Why We Fight When We’re Really Just Scared: A Somatic and Trauma-Informed Look at Conflict in Couples
“Why does a tiny comment turn into a huge fight?”
“Why do I shut down when I really want to connect?”
“Why do we keep missing each other, even when we love each other?”
If these questions feel familiar, you’re not alone. Many couples find themselves stuck in cycles of conflict, disconnection, or emotional withdrawal—not because they don’t care, but because their nervous systems are protecting them.
In trauma-informed and somatic couples therapy, we don’t just focus on communication patterns. We explore what’s happening in the body, what’s left unsaid, and what survival strategies may be unconsciously playing out.
Conflict Is Often a Nervous System Response, Not a Communication Problem
When we feel hurt, unseen, criticized, or rejected—especially if we’ve experienced relational trauma—our bodies may react before we even have time to think. Fight, flight, freeze, or fawn responses can take over.
This might look like:
- Yelling, defensiveness, or sarcasm (fight)
- Withdrawing, shutting down, or walking away (flight/freeze)
- Over-apologizing, over-explaining, or trying to “fix” everything (fawn)
These patterns are often automatic and protective. They’re not flaws—they’re strategies we developed to survive earlier pain.
Trauma Loops in Relationships
For many couples, these reactions happen so quickly that they feel inevitable. But often, they’re part of a trauma loop:
- One partner pulls away to self-regulate, which feels like abandonment to the other.
- The other partner protests or escalates, which feels threatening to the first.
- Both partners become more dysregulated.
- No one feels safe enough to slow down, reflect, or reconnect.
When trauma is in the background—whether it’s attachment trauma, emotional neglect, or a history of abuse—these loops can become deeply entrenched. But with awareness and support, they can shift.
The Somatic Reframe: Your Body Remembers
The nervous system doesn’t just respond to what’s happening now. It also reacts to what felt similar in the past. A raised eyebrow, a long pause, or a certain tone of voice can trigger stored memories of disconnection or fear.
Somatic therapy helps couples learn to:
- Recognize when they are activated or shutting down
- Track body-based signals like tension, numbness, or tightness
- Use grounding tools and breath practices to return to the present
- Speak and listen from a more embodied, regulated place
Healing Happens in the Body, Not Just in the Mind
In my work with couples, we use somatic and trauma-informed practices to support real repair. That means slowing down, noticing when shame or fear takes over, and learning how to co-regulate—together.
We explore:
- How each partner protects themselves from vulnerability
- What gets blocked when shame is in the room
- How to speak truthfully without triggering collapse or defensiveness
- What it takes to build enough safety for emotional and physical intimacy
You’re Not “Bad at Relationships.” You’re Learning to Feel Safe.
When we view conflict through a trauma-informed lens, it becomes clear that most couples aren’t broken—they’re just doing their best with what their nervous systems learned.
With the right support, couples can:
- Pause instead of react
- Soften instead of shut down
- Ask instead of assume
- Reconnect instead of repeat the cycle
Interested in Exploring This Work?
If you’re ready to experience couples therapy that honors your full story—including your nervous system, your past, and your present—I’d be honored to support your process.
Visit the Couples Therapy page on my website or reach out for a consultation to learn more.
