The Shame Process: A Barrier to Contact, Intimacy, and Healing in Couples and Trauma Therapy

Shame, particularly in the context of trauma, is not simply an emotion—it is a relational process that inhibits contact, disrupts affective expression, and distorts the field of interpersonal connection. In couples therapy, especially when one or both partners are trauma survivors, shame acts as an invisible but powerful force that blocks access to authentic feelings, fantasies, behaviors, and needs.

Shame as a Contact-Boundary Phenomenon

Lynne Jacobs (1995) articulates that shame emerges precisely at the edge of contact—in the moment when a person moves toward relational presence and encounters internalized judgment, threat, or fear of rejection. She writes, “Shame arises when a person is about to express something vital to the self and anticipates (realistically or not) that the expression will result in a painful break in the relational field” (Jacobs, 1995, p. 112). In other words, shame doesn’t just inhibit; it interrupts the self-in-the-moment, freezing vitality at the very place where connection is trying to emerge.

In Gestalt terms, this can be seen as an interruption of the organismic self-regulation process—a defensive adaptation that once served a protective purpose in the face of developmental or relational trauma but now prevents full presence in intimate relationships.

Gary Yontef and the Function of Shame in the Field

Gary Yontef (1993), in Awareness, Dialogue, and Process, underscores that contact is the heart of Gestalt therapy. Yet shame, especially when chronically internalized, serves to fragment contact. Yontef identifies shame as “a process that occurs in the field,” noting that it is co-created, not merely intrapsychic. In couples, this means that shame is not only held within individuals—it is played out between them.

When shame is unacknowledged, couples may:

• Withdraw from emotional engagement
• Avoid initiating sex or affection
• Refrain from voicing needs or longings
• Respond to vulnerability with anger or shutdown

Yontef (1993) reminds clinicians to attend to the field conditions that maintain shame, especially when working with trauma survivors who have learned to anticipate relational rupture whenever they reach toward another.

Trauma, Shame, and Nervous System Dysregulation

From a trauma-informed lens, shame is also a somatic experience. It involves not only cognitive beliefs (“I’m bad,” “I’m unlovable”) but also physiological collapse—often accompanied by lowered gaze, muscle tension, inward folding of the body, or dissociation (van der Kolk, 2014). These responses mirror the freeze or fawn states in polyvagal theory (Porges, 2011), where the nervous system prioritizes survival over connection.

For trauma survivors in relationship, even positive attention can trigger shame if it touches an old wound of unworthiness. As clinicians, it becomes essential to recognize shame not as resistance, but as a protective adaptation to prior relational harm.

Consultation Questions for Clinicians

When supervising or consulting with therapists working with couples, some useful guiding questions include:

• How is shame functioning in this couple’s dynamic?
• What behaviors, feelings, or fantasies are avoided or silenced?
• What early developmental or relational injuries may be contributing to this shame-based avoidance?
• How can the therapist hold a space where shame can be named without being retraumatized?

Toward Repair and Reconnection

The therapeutic goal is not to eradicate shame, but to bring it into awareness, interrupt the automatic collapse or avoidance, and support clients in building tolerable contact with their vulnerability. As Jacobs (1995) notes, the antidote to shame is not analysis but presence and acceptance—a witnessing that allows clients to re-experience moments of disconnection without retraumatization.

When clients begin to track shame as it arises—in their bodies, words, and relationship patterns—they move toward agency, choice, and relational freedom.

📚 References

• Jacobs, L. (1995). Shame in the therapeutic relationship. In R. H. Lee & G. Wheeler (Eds.), The Voice of Shame: Silence and Connection in Psychotherapy (pp. 111–132). Jossey-Bass.
• Yontef, G. (1993). Awareness, Dialogue and Process: Essays on Gestalt Therapy. Gestalt Journal Press.
• van der Kolk, B. A. (2014). The Body Keeps the Score: Brain, Mind, and Body in the Healing of Trauma. Viking.
• Porges, S. W. (2011). The Polyvagal Theory: Neurophysiological Foundations of Emotions, Attachment, Communication, and Self-regulation. Norton.