Shame in the Room: What Gets Silenced in Couples—and How to Bring It Into the Light

A trauma-informed perspective on shame, disconnection, and the path to repair

In couples therapy, the most powerful dynamic in the room is often the least spoken.

It’s not the argument from last week.
It’s not the differing love languages.
It’s the silence between words. The hesitation. The moment one partner pulls away from the edge of vulnerability.

That’s shame.
And shame is often what keeps couples stuck.

Shame Lives at the Edge of Contact

From a trauma-informed and Gestalt lens, shame is more than an emotion—it’s a relational process.
It arises precisely in the moments where connection is most needed.

• When one partner wants to ask for reassurance but fears being “needy”
• When a vulnerable truth is withheld out of fear it will be “too much”
• When a sexual fantasy or need is buried because it feels “wrong”
• When silence replaces speech—not to hurt the other, but to hide one’s own sense of unworthiness

Shame interrupts connection at its root.
It shuts down impulse. It edits emotion. It stalls contact.

How Trauma Shapes Shame in Relationships

For trauma survivors, shame is often layered over years—sometimes decades—of unmet needs, abandonment, or emotional misattunement.
In relationships, this might sound like:

• “If I show them the real me, they’ll leave.”
• “I shouldn’t need this.”
• “They’ll think I’m broken.”
• “I always mess this up.”

In therapy, we often hear the fight—but what we track is what’s being avoided:
The longing. The grief. The desire. The need to be held or understood.

This avoidance isn’t manipulation. It’s protection.

What Shame Silences

In couples, shame may suppress:

• Sexuality and desire
• Anger and frustration
• Fear, insecurity, or grief
• Emotional needs and relational boundaries

Without awareness, couples fall into cycles where neither person is fully seen, because both are protecting the parts they’ve been taught to hide.

How Therapy Helps Bring Shame into the Light

As therapists, we’re not here to expose shame—we’re here to meet it with care.
Somatic and trauma-informed couples work helps:

• Name the moment shame interrupts presence
• Slow down physiological responses like collapse or defensiveness
• Invite curiosity about what’s unspoken
• Reintroduce the possibility of safe contact

Repair begins when partners can witness one another’s shame without judgment—and offer acceptance in the place of avoidance.

From Shame to Contact

There is no fast fix for shame. But there is a path.

It begins with:

• Safety in the body
• Slowness in the process
• Words that name the truth, gently
• A therapist who honors the function of shame without reinforcing it

When couples learn to hold space for shame, they often find what’s been missing all along: not perfection, but presence.

Ready to Work With Shame in a New Way?

If you and your partner are navigating disconnection, shutdown, or emotional distance, I offer couples therapy through a trauma-informed, somatic lens. Together, we can begin to gently uncover what shame has been protecting—and invite something new.

Explore more on my Couples Therapy page or contact me to get started.

You’re Not Too Much: A Somatic Reframe of Emotional Intensity in Relationships

Understanding big feelings, sensitivity, and shame through a trauma-informed lens

Some people cry easily, feel everything deeply, or become overwhelmed quickly in conflict.
Others withdraw, feel flooded by their partner’s emotions, or get easily irritated when things feel “too intense.”

These patterns aren’t personality flaws—they’re nervous system strategies shaped by your life experience.

Especially in intimate relationships, emotional intensity is often misunderstood. And in trauma survivors, this misunderstanding can be internalized as shame:

• “I’m too much.”
• “I’m too sensitive.”
• “No one can handle me.”
• “I always ruin things.”

This blog is here to reframe those beliefs—not with platitudes, but with grounded somatic understanding.

Emotional Intensity Is Often a Sign of Past Survival

When you were young, if your emotions weren’t met with safety, containment, or attunement, you may have learned to either:

• Express them loudly to try and be seen
• Or suppress them entirely to stay safe

As an adult, especially in partnership, your nervous system may still be operating under those old rules—reacting to a subtle cue as if your emotional safety is at stake.

What your partner sees as “overreaction” may be your system doing its best to protect a very old wound.

Somatic Therapy Helps You Track the Pattern, Not Just the Story

In a trauma-informed couples session, we might ask:

• What happens in your body when you feel unseen or dismissed?
• Where do you notice tightness, shutdown, or heat?
• What belief or memory surfaces as your body reacts?

This brings you out of blame or shame—and into awareness. It also gives your partner a chance to witness the why behind the behavior, not just the impact.

For the Partner Who Feels Overwhelmed by Intensity

If you’re someone who feels flooded or overstimulated by your partner’s emotional expression, it’s important to explore your own window of tolerance.

You may not be rejecting your partner—you may just be trying to stay regulated yourself.

Together, we can explore:

• What emotional range feels manageable to you?
• What do you need in order to stay present?
• How can you co-create a rhythm of communication that supports both of you?

There Is No “Too Much”—There Is Only “Not Enough Safety… Yet”

The phrase “you’re too much” is almost always code for “I don’t know how to stay with you here.”

And the phrase “I’m too much” is often a trauma echo from times when you needed more support than was available.

Through somatic and relational therapy, we build that support—internally and between partners—so you can experience:

• Less shame around your feelings
• More spaciousness in conflict
• And deeper, embodied connection

Want to Explore This Together?

If you’re ready to work with a therapist who understands the body’s role in relationships, I offer trauma-informed couples therapy with a somatic lens. Learn more on my Couples Therapy page or reach out for a free consultation.

5 Somatic Tools to Interrupt Conflict and Reconnect in the Moment

A trauma-informed guide for couples who want to slow down and show up

When conflict escalates, it often happens before words.
The raised voice, the eye roll, the silence—these moments are often driven by a dysregulated nervous system doing its best to protect. But when couples learn to notice these shifts in the body and respond differently, something powerful happens: the cycle can stop before it spirals.

These somatic tools aren’t about saying the “right” thing.
They’re about restoring enough safety in the body to return to connection.

Here are five accessible, trauma-informed practices couples can begin using today:

1. The Grounded Pause

When tension rises, many people want to fix or flee.
Instead, pause and root.

• Sit down or place your feet firmly on the ground
• Press your palms together or rest them on your legs
• Take a few slow exhales (longer than your inhale)
  This interrupts the fight-or-flight cycle and signals to your system: I’m safe enough to stay present.

2. Hand-to-Heart Containment

When shame or fear floods in, place one hand on your chest and one on your belly.
This creates a sense of containment and self-holding, especially for trauma survivors.
Practice in silence for 30 seconds. If your partner is open, you can both try it at the same time, seated side by side.

3. Co-Regulation Through Breath

Facing each other, sit comfortably and begin to sync your breath without speaking.

• Inhale together through the nose
• Exhale slowly through the mouth
• Maintain gentle eye contact or close the eyes if that feels safer

After 1–2 minutes, check in: Is it easier to speak from this place?

4. The Soothing Object

Many people (especially those with early attachment trauma) benefit from tactile grounding.
Keep a soft object, textured stone, or calming scent nearby. When emotions spike, touching something neutral can help anchor the nervous system while processing hard emotions.

5. The Repair Touch (Only With Consent)

For couples working in therapy or with established consent, a short supportive touch—such as touching forearms, a gentle hand on the back, or holding hands—can offer a moment of repair.

It’s not a fix. But it’s a way to say, “I’m here. We’re still connected.”

Safety First

These tools are never meant to bypass deep work or force intimacy. They’re simply ways to create enough internal safety to interrupt old survival strategies and open to something new.

If one or both partners have a trauma history, these practices may bring up unexpected sensations or emotions. Work with a trained trauma-informed couples therapist to explore these moments with care.

Next Steps

In our work together, I support couples in building safety not just in the relationship—but in the body, mind, and nervous system. If you’d like to learn how somatic therapy can support your relationship, you can explore my Couples Therapy page or contact me for a consultation.

The Shame Process: A Barrier to Contact, Intimacy, and Healing in Couples and Trauma Therapy

Shame, particularly in the context of trauma, is not simply an emotion—it is a relational process that inhibits contact, disrupts affective expression, and distorts the field of interpersonal connection. In couples therapy, especially when one or both partners are trauma survivors, shame acts as an invisible but powerful force that blocks access to authentic feelings, fantasies, behaviors, and needs.

Shame as a Contact-Boundary Phenomenon

Lynne Jacobs (1995) articulates that shame emerges precisely at the edge of contact—in the moment when a person moves toward relational presence and encounters internalized judgment, threat, or fear of rejection. She writes, “Shame arises when a person is about to express something vital to the self and anticipates (realistically or not) that the expression will result in a painful break in the relational field” (Jacobs, 1995, p. 112). In other words, shame doesn’t just inhibit; it interrupts the self-in-the-moment, freezing vitality at the very place where connection is trying to emerge.

In Gestalt terms, this can be seen as an interruption of the organismic self-regulation process—a defensive adaptation that once served a protective purpose in the face of developmental or relational trauma but now prevents full presence in intimate relationships.

Gary Yontef and the Function of Shame in the Field

Gary Yontef (1993), in Awareness, Dialogue, and Process, underscores that contact is the heart of Gestalt therapy. Yet shame, especially when chronically internalized, serves to fragment contact. Yontef identifies shame as “a process that occurs in the field,” noting that it is co-created, not merely intrapsychic. In couples, this means that shame is not only held within individuals—it is played out between them.

When shame is unacknowledged, couples may:

• Withdraw from emotional engagement
• Avoid initiating sex or affection
• Refrain from voicing needs or longings
• Respond to vulnerability with anger or shutdown

Yontef (1993) reminds clinicians to attend to the field conditions that maintain shame, especially when working with trauma survivors who have learned to anticipate relational rupture whenever they reach toward another.

Trauma, Shame, and Nervous System Dysregulation

From a trauma-informed lens, shame is also a somatic experience. It involves not only cognitive beliefs (“I’m bad,” “I’m unlovable”) but also physiological collapse—often accompanied by lowered gaze, muscle tension, inward folding of the body, or dissociation (van der Kolk, 2014). These responses mirror the freeze or fawn states in polyvagal theory (Porges, 2011), where the nervous system prioritizes survival over connection.

For trauma survivors in relationship, even positive attention can trigger shame if it touches an old wound of unworthiness. As clinicians, it becomes essential to recognize shame not as resistance, but as a protective adaptation to prior relational harm.

Consultation Questions for Clinicians

When supervising or consulting with therapists working with couples, some useful guiding questions include:

• How is shame functioning in this couple’s dynamic?
• What behaviors, feelings, or fantasies are avoided or silenced?
• What early developmental or relational injuries may be contributing to this shame-based avoidance?
• How can the therapist hold a space where shame can be named without being retraumatized?

Toward Repair and Reconnection

The therapeutic goal is not to eradicate shame, but to bring it into awareness, interrupt the automatic collapse or avoidance, and support clients in building tolerable contact with their vulnerability. As Jacobs (1995) notes, the antidote to shame is not analysis but presence and acceptance—a witnessing that allows clients to re-experience moments of disconnection without retraumatization.

When clients begin to track shame as it arises—in their bodies, words, and relationship patterns—they move toward agency, choice, and relational freedom.

📚 References

• Jacobs, L. (1995). Shame in the therapeutic relationship. In R. H. Lee & G. Wheeler (Eds.), The Voice of Shame: Silence and Connection in Psychotherapy (pp. 111–132). Jossey-Bass.
• Yontef, G. (1993). Awareness, Dialogue and Process: Essays on Gestalt Therapy. Gestalt Journal Press.
• van der Kolk, B. A. (2014). The Body Keeps the Score: Brain, Mind, and Body in the Healing of Trauma. Viking.
• Porges, S. W. (2011). The Polyvagal Theory: Neurophysiological Foundations of Emotions, Attachment, Communication, and Self-regulation. Norton.

Why We Fight When We’re Really Just Scared: A Somatic and Trauma-Informed Look at Conflict in Couples

“Why does a tiny comment turn into a huge fight?”
“Why do I shut down when I really want to connect?”
“Why do we keep missing each other, even when we love each other?”

If these questions feel familiar, you’re not alone. Many couples find themselves stuck in cycles of conflict, disconnection, or emotional withdrawal—not because they don’t care, but because their nervous systems are protecting them.

In trauma-informed and somatic couples therapy, we don’t just focus on communication patterns. We explore what’s happening in the body, what’s left unsaid, and what survival strategies may be unconsciously playing out.

Conflict Is Often a Nervous System Response, Not a Communication Problem

When we feel hurt, unseen, criticized, or rejected—especially if we’ve experienced relational trauma—our bodies may react before we even have time to think. Fight, flight, freeze, or fawn responses can take over.

This might look like:

• Yelling, defensiveness, or sarcasm (fight)
• Withdrawing, shutting down, or walking away (flight/freeze)
• Over-apologizing, over-explaining, or trying to “fix” everything (fawn)

These patterns are often automatic and protective. They’re not flaws—they’re strategies we developed to survive earlier pain.

Trauma Loops in Relationships

For many couples, these reactions happen so quickly that they feel inevitable. But often, they’re part of a trauma loop:

1. One partner pulls away to self-regulate, which feels like abandonment to the other.
2. The other partner protests or escalates, which feels threatening to the first.
3. Both partners become more dysregulated.
4. No one feels safe enough to slow down, reflect, or reconnect.

When trauma is in the background—whether it’s attachment trauma, emotional neglect, or a history of abuse—these loops can become deeply entrenched. But with awareness and support, they can shift.

The Somatic Reframe: Your Body Remembers

The nervous system doesn’t just respond to what’s happening now. It also reacts to what felt similar in the past. A raised eyebrow, a long pause, or a certain tone of voice can trigger stored memories of disconnection or fear.

Somatic therapy helps couples learn to:

• Recognize when they are activated or shutting down
• Track body-based signals like tension, numbness, or tightness
• Use grounding tools and breath practices to return to the present
• Speak and listen from a more embodied, regulated place

Healing Happens in the Body, Not Just in the Mind

In my work with couples, we use somatic and trauma-informed practices to support real repair. That means slowing down, noticing when shame or fear takes over, and learning how to co-regulate—together.

We explore:

• How each partner protects themselves from vulnerability
• What gets blocked when shame is in the room
• How to speak truthfully without triggering collapse or defensiveness
• What it takes to build enough safety for emotional and physical intimacy

You’re Not “Bad at Relationships.” You’re Learning to Feel Safe.

When we view conflict through a trauma-informed lens, it becomes clear that most couples aren’t broken—they’re just doing their best with what their nervous systems learned.

With the right support, couples can:

• Pause instead of react
• Soften instead of shut down
• Ask instead of assume
• Reconnect instead of repeat the cycle

Interested in Exploring This Work?

If you’re ready to experience couples therapy that honors your full story—including your nervous system, your past, and your present—I’d be honored to support your process.

Visit the Couples Therapy page on my website or reach out for a consultation to learn more.